I hardly speak with my mom, forget about my dad.
I’m writing this because unhelpful relationships with parents don’t pause while you’re building your own independent revenue. And I’m realizing that the mental space I need to figure this out is the same mental space my mom demands – and I can’t have both.
My mom has been depressed, neurotic, unpredictable. Right now, she’s lost, alone and figuring it out. She can’t handle noise, can’t settle anywhere, can’t relax in social situations. In her world, everything is a transaction – even her time.
There’s also cool stuff – she’s charming, funny, a problem-solver when she’s in a good place. Reliable. Fearless.
I’m proud of her and I get it – she never had the environment to grow out of constant terror. But it’s no excuse to enter my life and make it worse.
How does she make it worse?
Guilt-trips me about “not talking to her.” Says “My job is to worry for you” – but I’m figuring out how to make my own money. I don’t need her to worry. I need her to just be there. Since she’s worried about herself, she can’t disconnect from me. I feel terrible after each call.
When she tells me stories, I cringe – it reminds me of the old me, and I don’t have the mental resources for that.
She said she wanted to see me, then bought tickets to Berlin for February 6th-9th. She knew I wouldn’t be there until the 12th. She prioritized other friends. Now she’s messaging on Telegram that I should please call her. WTAF?
What I’m learning is brutal and simple – you can’t rescue someone who’s been drowning their whole life while you’re trying to build your own boat. Loving someone and limiting their access to you can coexist. Being a good daughter doesn’t mean sacrificing.
The boundary isn’t the hard part. The hard part is the guilt. The hard part is accepting that I’m choosing myself, and that’s not cruelty.
No advice. Just the uncomfortable truth that some people – even the closest might cost more than we can afford to pay right now. And it’s ok to choose yourself.
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